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Please go to www.scruta.org
The old content, as well as new content will be on this website.
Thanks for your support.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Editorial High Jinks
Roo
No way!
Ferret
What?
Roo
You see this picture in your China book?
Ferret
Yeah.
Roo
It means it sucks.
Ferret
What?
Roo
This word means sucks.
Ferret
No way!
Roo
Serious! If something sucks we say 这个很爛哦！That means it sucks.
Ferret
Weird. Maybe they picked it because it has lots of different strokes in it.
Roo
Maybe they just want to play a joke.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Why I believe in Synchronicity
I was sitting on the metro coming home from an extended tour of a bar in Pudong, when I began thinking about China, and people like Gao Chuancai, a true freedom fighter in the Chinese hinterland who risks his life daily for justice, threatening the livelihood of his entire family in the process. His fearlessness in the face of authority is astounding, and to most Chinese sheer insanity.
A time ago I remember being in Chinese class discussing how Western culture was different than Chinese culture. I remember commenting that Western culture values madness, but due to my limited skills I was unable articulate myself well at the time. Confusing, and possibly insulting my teacher. Even when I switched to English, I still found it hard to explain my intuition. What I think I meant was that I thought the West values the activist as an archetype. Whether you think they are loonies or no, activists are an accepted figure on the fringe of our society. In China, this isn't so. Gao Chuancai is an example of how this is changing.
Just as I was thinking all of this, a fat, slovenly looking man walked into my car on the train and began barking at all the people in Chinese. Most of them looked generally annoyed, and gave him no notice. I couldn't tell what he was saying, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard. He struck me as a bum, asking for money. However, as he began to pass me in the car, he stopped speaking in Chinese and began speaking to me in polished English:
Hello sir! Let me introduce myself. I am the fat man on the metro who speaks out against corruption. [As he said this, and everytime he said he was "the fat man on the metro" he slapped his belly.] I go around on the metro lines telling people to stand with me, and declare they will fight with me to work for a more harmonious and free society. I know that if I stand alone, then they will come for me, and will probably kill me. However, if we stand together, then there is nothing that they can do. Let everyone know about the fat man on the metro and tell them to come and stand with me.
It was at this point that I asked him what his name was. He said simply, "I am the fat man on the metro."
I stood and shook his hand.
At that point, the train stopped, and he quickly moved to another car and began all over again. I sat back down and realized:
I'm not the one he has to convince. Somehow I was already with him before he started talking. But all the Chinese people on the metro around me, were they?
Here's another account of "the fat man on the metro."
Here he is at other moments (in Chinese):
A time ago I remember being in Chinese class discussing how Western culture was different than Chinese culture. I remember commenting that Western culture values madness, but due to my limited skills I was unable articulate myself well at the time. Confusing, and possibly insulting my teacher. Even when I switched to English, I still found it hard to explain my intuition. What I think I meant was that I thought the West values the activist as an archetype. Whether you think they are loonies or no, activists are an accepted figure on the fringe of our society. In China, this isn't so. Gao Chuancai is an example of how this is changing.
Just as I was thinking all of this, a fat, slovenly looking man walked into my car on the train and began barking at all the people in Chinese. Most of them looked generally annoyed, and gave him no notice. I couldn't tell what he was saying, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard. He struck me as a bum, asking for money. However, as he began to pass me in the car, he stopped speaking in Chinese and began speaking to me in polished English:
Hello sir! Let me introduce myself. I am the fat man on the metro who speaks out against corruption. [As he said this, and everytime he said he was "the fat man on the metro" he slapped his belly.] I go around on the metro lines telling people to stand with me, and declare they will fight with me to work for a more harmonious and free society. I know that if I stand alone, then they will come for me, and will probably kill me. However, if we stand together, then there is nothing that they can do. Let everyone know about the fat man on the metro and tell them to come and stand with me.
It was at this point that I asked him what his name was. He said simply, "I am the fat man on the metro."
I stood and shook his hand.
At that point, the train stopped, and he quickly moved to another car and began all over again. I sat back down and realized:
I'm not the one he has to convince. Somehow I was already with him before he started talking. But all the Chinese people on the metro around me, were they?
Here's another account of "the fat man on the metro."
Here he is at other moments (in Chinese):
Sunday, August 31, 2008
A Terrible Mistake
Ferret is assigned the task of calling various Chinese electronics stores. He is not really up to this task. However, he bravely attempts to call and ask the price of a camera (相机, xiàng jī ).
Female Store Clerk
喂。
(Hello.)
Ferret
你好。我找小妓 (xiǎo jī)。
(Hey. I'm looking for prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
什么？!
(What?!)
Ferret
一个小妓。这是国美商店吗？
(A prostitute. Is this Gome (a local electronics store)?)
Female Store Clerk
对呀。你找什么东西啊？
(This is. What are you looking for?)
Ferret
一个小妓。
(A prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
请稍等。
(Please hold on a second.)Female Store Clerk
喂。
(Hello.)
Ferret
你好。我找小妓 (xiǎo jī)。
(Hey. I'm looking for prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
什么？!
(What?!)
Ferret
一个小妓。这是国美商店吗？
(A prostitute. Is this Gome (a local electronics store)?)
Female Store Clerk
对呀。你找什么东西啊？
(This is. What are you looking for?)
Ferret
一个小妓。
(A prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
请稍等。
There is a great, immediate, yet inaudible commotion on the phone before Ferret can even speak.
Ferret
好的.
(Okay.)
A minute passes. Ferret is frustrated, finding himself unable to express himself. Someone picks up the phone.
Male Store Clerk
喂。(Hello.)
Ferret
喂，你好。我教一个相机。
(Hey there. Hi. I'm looking for a camera.)
Male Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！
(Oh! A camera!)
In the background, the Female Store Clerk can be heard:
Female Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！我觉得他找一个小妓！
(Oh! A camera! I thought he was looking for a prostitute!)
Ferret realizes that he has just called an electronics store and asked if there were hookers. All in day's work...
Male Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！
(Oh! A camera!)
In the background, the Female Store Clerk can be heard:
Female Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！我觉得他找一个小妓！
(Oh! A camera! I thought he was looking for a prostitute!)
Ferret realizes that he has just called an electronics store and asked if there were hookers. All in day's work...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
(Un)Planned Events
Event #1 - 红包 (Hongbao, i.e. a red envelope full of money):
Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.
Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?
Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.
Roo
Wow. It was good?
Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.
[Shows Roo.]
Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?
Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.
Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.
Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.
Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.
Ferret
No way.
Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)
Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.
Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?
Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.
Oldengib
The one you went to last week.
Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.
Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.
Ferret
Do what?
Oldengib
Give you a bribe.
Ferret
Oh.
Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.
Ferret
Oh.
Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)
Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.
The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."
The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.
Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace
Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.
Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.
Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?
Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.
Roo
Wow. It was good?
Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.
[Shows Roo.]
Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?
Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.
Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.
Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.
Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.
Ferret
No way.
Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)
Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.
Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?
Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.
Oldengib
The one you went to last week.
Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.
Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.
Ferret
Do what?
Oldengib
Give you a bribe.
Ferret
Oh.
Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.
Ferret
Oh.
Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)
Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.
The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."
The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.
Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace
Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Snubbing the Chinese Police?
"SECURITY has been tightened further on Metro lines ahead of the Olympic football matches to be held at Shanghai Stadium.
Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.
"Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random," Dai said..."
- "Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics," Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29
Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.
Roo
Really?
Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed "Security Check Here!" I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I've never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn't ruin his day, or piss him off.
Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.
Ferret
Man, I hope not.
Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.
"Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random," Dai said..."
- "Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics," Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29
Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.
Roo
Really?
Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed "Security Check Here!" I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I've never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn't ruin his day, or piss him off.
Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.
Ferret
Man, I hope not.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Cheers for China!
A cartoon issued to provide extra guidance on top of the "Olympic cheering practice" sessions that have been held for workers around Beijing for the last year shows a young girl in the approved postures. [...] The cartoon is the joint product of the Communist Party’s spiritual civilisation bureau, the ministry of education, the Beijing Olympics organising committee, and state television, which has begun showing clips of schoolchildren showing how it is done.
- "Beijing Unveils Official Olympic Games Cheers," The Telegraph, June 06, 2008[Spirit Chief, Education Minister, Olympic Organizer, and State TV Man are all sitting at a conference table at a government office in Beijing. They are standing, involved in a shouting match, unable to restrain themselves, as they point fingers and dramatically arch their voices. The Education Minister slams his hands down on the table, and seizing attention for a moment, speaks:]
Education Minister
Come on people, this is bullshit. The people of China are depending on us to make a cheer that will unite them. This is for the children.
State TV Man
Oh, look at you now, Mr. Education, bringing in the children. All of sudden you just want to resolve the issue, when I put my goddamn neck out on the line to get two claps instead of one! I was so ready to go for one clap! 加油！加油！(Go go! Go go!) Straight ahead, easy for anyone to do. A good fist pump or two. That's all we need.
Spirit Chief
Gentlemen, please! Let's be civil!! [They all sit down.] As for the one clap, you know there was no way we could do that. It's just not in line with the spirit of China.
State TV Man
Well, I'm sure that you are right given your post. The Chinese spirit is best represented with a chant that goes well with "We Will Rock You."
Olympic Organizer
Wow! That's true! Queen really were a great band, weren't they? I can remember when I was an exchange student at UC-Berkeley, we'd always play that.
Education Chief
Oh, definitely. Freddie Mercury was truly a genius.
Spirit Chief
Freddie Mercury?
Education Chief
Surely you know who Freddie Mercury is?
Spirit Chief
Surely I do. It was just a matter of recollection.
State TV Man
Yes, it must be difficult to remember things about pop culture while you are busy assuring that only the best cultural artifacts are not destroyed.
Spirit Chief
Well, I must admit that "We will rock the Queen" or whatever isn't important. This is about China. The two claps are supposed to represent that unity of Chi--
State TV Man
China and the world. The yin and the yang. The dual nature of our lives. The majestic power of the Chinese people among the world powers like the peaks of Huangshan mountain. Your erudite explanation was well understood the first time.
Spirit Chief
Are you insinuating something?
State TV Man
Nothing.
Spirit Chief
Don't forget who you are talking to here. You are perhaps too overzealous in your enthusiasm.
State TV Man
I'll never forget. I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
Olympic Organizer
He's just a poor boy from a poor family!
State TV Man and Olympic Organizer
Spare him his life from his monstrosity!!!
[State TV Man and Olympic Organizer give each other high fives and start laughing, then start doing the cheer with each other.]
Education Minister
This is seriously no laughing matter. We must deliberate on this seriously for the children.
Spirit Chief
I agree.
State TV Man
The children will be fine.
Education Minister
What's that supposed to mean?
State TV Man
I think we should add a whoop at the end! [Does the cheer] Whoop!
Olympic Organizer
Whoop!
Spirit Chief
You two are clearly not qualified to handle so delicate a task.
State TV Man
But you are truly able to handle the necessary affairs of state with immense tact and skill. That's why they put you in charge of looking after old teahouses.
Spirit Chief
And you as well. CCTV programming is truly the pinnacle achievement of Chinese culture. It makes the poets of the Tang Dynasty look like fools.
[The Spirit Chief and the State TV Man glare at each other.]
Olympic Organizer
Well, I think that you both do a good job. The cheer has turned out great too.
Spirit Chief
Thank you for your opinion. It was very helpful. Please go to your other meeting on licensing pens with the mascots on them.
State TV Man
I agree, your skills are so great they would be of greater benefit for producing Olympic teddy bears.
Education Minister
Will someone think of the children right now?
[They all glare at each other for a moment. They all stand and begin shouting.]
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Drilling in Shanghai/Man at Work
I took the following picture today of this massive drill at work building a new subway station underneath Century Avenue in Lujiazui, Pudong, Shanghai. It's unclear to me what the machine was doing, but it was only partially partitioned from public scrutiny, so were I do dare to go in for a closer inspection, there would be no problem.
Incidentally, I didn't go in for a closer inspection. Well, that's not entirely true. I got close enough to see that everything was in order, or at the very least, the guy running the thing wasn't worried.
Maybe I should have been...
Maybe I should have been...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
On the Street in Shanghai
Roo
You see those people sleeping in the street?
Ferret
Yeah, they're so many of them.
Roo
You know about them? They are so poor.
Ferret
Yeah, we have lots of homeless people in America, but not like this.
Roo
Oh, they're not homeless people. They have a house.
Ferret
What?
Roo
Yeah! You didn't know that?
Ferret
No.
Roo
Yeah, they are just so poor they have no air conditioning. They'll sleep outside for coolness. They don't care.
You see those people sleeping in the street?
Ferret
Yeah, they're so many of them.
Roo
You know about them? They are so poor.
Ferret
Yeah, we have lots of homeless people in America, but not like this.
Roo
Oh, they're not homeless people. They have a house.
Ferret
What?
Roo
Yeah! You didn't know that?
Ferret
No.
Roo
Yeah, they are just so poor they have no air conditioning. They'll sleep outside for coolness. They don't care.
Monday, July 14, 2008
开水 or Hot Water
I've been trying to find an answer as to why Chinese people always drink hot water, regarding cold water as bad for health. My results thusfar have been poor (except for the awesome picture of the Chinese kettle lady), but here they are nonetheless.
1) Yahoo Answers! gives you a range of answers from the daft to the commonsensical, although none of them seem particularly compelling.
The best sounding?
in chinese medicine, they believe that drinking cold water will drain your energy because your body will have to use energy to warm it up. Where if you drink water that is body temperature, there is no energy loss.
I believe that and I dont like cold water. I drink at room temp and if you give me real cold water it feels like a shock to the system. Its only when you drink cold water a lot that you prefer it.
My favorite? Hot water is good for you. It helps wash the food down. Cold water is not good for you.
Brilliant!
2) EthnoMed.org has this to say in relation to Chinese women giving birth: When asked for a drink of water, women were offered ice chips instead of warm water that they prefer. Most Chinese women will endure the thirst for fear the cold water from ice chip will upset their internal hot/cold balance and subsequently increase their risk of developing arthritis in old age.
3) Jim Conrad's Musings On Water and Chinese etymology make a nice, yet admittedly impressionistic connection between water and the Chinese psyche.
4) This Breaking News suggests that hot water prevents heart attacks, but also sounds as if it were written by a seventh grader. (Note first sentence proclaiming, "This is a very good article.")
5) The best part to this small epiphany is framed by the blogger's description of himself: "With a keen eye and a penetrating mind I bring to you collections of my random thoughts that I believe are so clever and original that you might have thought them yourself and hence relate to this blog." (italics mine)
6) Perhaps the best source I've found (I think in part to my still developing Chinese), is this article from the Gansu Daily where I found Miss Teakettle. As far as I can tell, the article has something to do with drinking water only once after it's boiled, and not reusing it again or later due to the possibility of contamination. It begins:
大家都知道日常生活中多喝开水有益健康，可水怎么烧，开水怎么喝，还有不少讲究。
As best as I can translate: "Everybody knows in their everyday lives how drinking hot water is good for your health, but how should you boil it? How should you drink it? There are many things to be concerned about."
It's the first part of that sentence. "Everybody knows."
For the time being, I'm willing to keep on thinking that this connection between health and drinking hot water, like most conventions, is a matter of everyone accepting it's true.
"Everybody knows." Of course, they do.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
A Dillemma of Nonsensical Proportions
Bu-Ran-Don
So if you could give it all up for the powers of Wolverine, would you do it?
Ferret
Define your terms.
Bu-Ran-Don
You get the skeleton of adamantium, the claws, the superhealing and the superhuman senses of smell.
Ferret
And what do I give up?
Bu-Ran-Don
You give up sex.
Ferret
In general? Do BJs count?
Bu-Ran-Don
For the sake of argument, no. Let's say that BJs are okay.
Ferret
I don't know. That's still pretty tough.
Bu-Ran-Don
What's so tough about it? You get to be Wolverine man! You can totally rock anybody. And even if they rock you, you'll be fine. I mean, would you seriously miss it all that much?
Ferret
I think so. I mean, I don't know. His powers aren't that great.
Bu-Ran-Don
I disagree. Don't forget you get an extended lifespan because of your superhuman healing powers. You get to live for millennia.
Ferret
I think living forever is over-rated. All your friends and lovers die. Everyone thinks you're a freak. You've got to live low-pro.
Bu-Ran-Don
But you get superhuman demi-god like adversaries with which to battle for all of time.
Ferret
Meh, I'm still not sure. I'm denied the ability to form meaningful relationships with others except for random megalomaniacs. I relegate myself to leading a seemingly endless life of constant derision and scorn.
Bu-Ran-Don
Don't be a fag, Ferret. This is an awesome opportunity.
Ferret
I'm still torn. Let me think about it...
So if you could give it all up for the powers of Wolverine, would you do it?
Ferret
Define your terms.
Bu-Ran-Don
You get the skeleton of adamantium, the claws, the superhealing and the superhuman senses of smell.
Ferret
And what do I give up?
Bu-Ran-Don
You give up sex.
Ferret
In general? Do BJs count?
Bu-Ran-Don
For the sake of argument, no. Let's say that BJs are okay.
Ferret
I don't know. That's still pretty tough.
Bu-Ran-Don
What's so tough about it? You get to be Wolverine man! You can totally rock anybody. And even if they rock you, you'll be fine. I mean, would you seriously miss it all that much?
Ferret
I think so. I mean, I don't know. His powers aren't that great.
Bu-Ran-Don
I disagree. Don't forget you get an extended lifespan because of your superhuman healing powers. You get to live for millennia.
Ferret
I think living forever is over-rated. All your friends and lovers die. Everyone thinks you're a freak. You've got to live low-pro.
Bu-Ran-Don
But you get superhuman demi-god like adversaries with which to battle for all of time.
Ferret
Meh, I'm still not sure. I'm denied the ability to form meaningful relationships with others except for random megalomaniacs. I relegate myself to leading a seemingly endless life of constant derision and scorn.
Bu-Ran-Don
Don't be a fag, Ferret. This is an awesome opportunity.
Ferret
I'm still torn. Let me think about it...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Crowds Outside My Window
Roo
Why did he take this highway? I don't understand.
Ferret
It's faster this late at night.
Roo
Not now, we are in traffic jam. It's one in the morning.
Ferret
I know, but usually it's faster, besides we're at the next exit. We'll get off soon, you'll see. It'll go fast.
Roo
This takes forever.
[They pause for a moment.]
Ferret
You know how my place is right next to this big tunnel where people are always getting into accidents?
Roo
Yes, I know.
Ferret
Why do they always get into these big crowds and just watch? I don't understand.
Roo
Well, don't you do that? I mean, come on, if you see something then you know...
Ferret
I mean sometimes I do, but it's never a form of entertainment. If no one's hurt, then what can I do? Why would I just want to stop and stare? Although in America they always talk about people rubbernecking, you know?
Roo
Rubberneck?
Ferret
Yeah, it's a person who slows down when they're driving to see the accident.
Roo
So it's same, just like America. You both stop to look.
Ferret
I guess. Except no cars. It never felt like I was taking up so much time though. Maybe I'm just used to be in cars, and not on foot.
Roo
When is traffic jam going to end? 司机! (driver!)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Why Hume Ought to Be Depressed
Ferret
I'm convinced I've discovered the root of depression.
Jay-BC
Yeah?
Ferret
Yeah, it seems to me it's a failure to connect ought and is. I mean that at all levels, not just in terms of psychological meaning or even chemical meaning. For instance, I feel depressed because I have these grandiose expectations for myself. I think I'm capable of much more than I am able in so limited an amount of time, etc. Or, my body has a demand for more seratonin than it is able to release into my mind. Yet I think it goes beyond even that. This idea of depression or melancholy exists at the very core of the universe, there's quite literally the physics of depression. Or to speak at a macro level, societies can be depressed, planets can be depressed, etc.
Jay-BC
How can physics ever be ought? It seems to me that the entire project is based on is. That's what it is. The attempt is to try to eliminate ought from the equation entirely. How could a molecule or a ray of light or falling objects be capable of an ought?
Ferret
I am unfortunately constrained by the fact that I cannot perceive what it's like to be a ray of light, or a molecule. In addition, I'd rather not consider myself a falling body of any magnitude.
Jay-BC
You sure? I mean I'm sure we can find a nice balcony for you to jump from.
Ferret
Perhaps, but I'm afraid that my actions would inevitably be attributed to the wrong kind of depression, and I think that it's pretty clear that my chance of surviving would be inversely proportional to the height of the balcony. But returning to the idea of physics, I would have to argue that physics is only based partly on this question of is. We observe and make notes on what is, but then when we make formulations we rely on mathematics to describe it, to generalize it. Of course, we find deviations everywhere, and we describe them, continually refine them, ad fininitum. It seems to me that mathematics is the ought.
Jay-BC
That sounds delightfully perverse. And to put it bluntly, I'd have to say that you must be shitting me. Are you really trying to suggest that mathematics is on the same level as moral claims about right and wrong? Or human rights? I don't think I understand. 2 is 2. That doesn't change, and it can't change. Pissing in public is sometimes acceptable, sometimes not.
Ferret
I think we can both agree that now isn't one of those times for pissing.
Jay-BC
Yeah, that's probably true.
Ferret
Although, if we keep drinking who knows. I've definitely seen someone I know take a slash on a curtain in some club when he was inebriated.
Jay-BC
He ought not to have done that.
Ferret
True, he ought not to. But it is the case he did. And guess what? He was a little perturbed, maybe even depressed about it the next day.
Jay-BC
Heh. That could've been the alcohol, but let's get back to depressed rays of light or depressed equations.
Ferret
Well, I wanted to say how I think that mathematics is strange because it contains both ought and is. Mathematics gives us ways that things ought to be regulated, and strangely enough, it works. It is a confluence of both ought and is. It can't be debated the way we debate social mores or moral claims. Math is based on the assumption that there is one truth. That being said, it is also the way we make prognostications about the world, how things should function. It is an ought.
Jay-BC
I'm still not clear about this. You think mathematics is both ought and is? I fail to see how it just isn't is.
Ferret
Well, let me put it this way. If math is the most pure description of the universe, wouldn't it necessarily have to be both ought and is? I realize that implies the assumption that ought and is are both facets of the universe. I think that's why Plato was obsessed with mathematics as rooting knowledge, and why he attempts in the Republic to try and make mathematical claims. Those Pythagoreans had something going.
Jay-BC
The Pythagoreans were most likely a strange religious cult who took numbers as their gods and feared eating beans.
Ferret
You're right. Well... shit. I'll leave Plato and the Pythagoreans out of this mess. How about string theory?
Jay-BC
Go ahead, and dig your hole deeper.
Ferret
It's a black hole, indeed. If string theory is right, and there are parallel universes of infinite magnitude as described by the mathematics alone, then it would seem that all the infinite possibilities of the world are contained in mathematics. The ought and the is together.
Jay-BC
That sounds interesting.
Ferret
And here's physics depression. Even if this is the case, as far as we know it's impossible for our reality to live up to this ought, unless we can find someway to cross realities.
Jay-BC
Or get good ass seratonin reuptake inhibitors?
Ferret
Now you see where I'm coming from.
Jay-BC
Well, the analogy is a good one, but can we overcome this ought-is depression?
Ferret
It remains to be seen.
Jay-BC
Man, Hume must've been one depressed son of a bitch. No joining of ought and is.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Ode to Luxury
Inspiration I nabbed in this blurb from SH Magazine, although I couldn't find it on their website:
"Inspired by JIA ("home"), You Qian Life Enhancing Developments took the concept of small, design-led hotels to its absolute end point in terms of bijou, frou-frou, boho, oh-so, boutique, boutique-y-chic-y - oh, darling - cheekiness, and launched... The Apartment. Yes. While some boutique hotels boast of 30 rooms and some swagger with ten, this final word in personal travel only has one, single, exclusive, reclusive, private room. In the suite there is the gratifyingly private restaurant, called The Kitchen. There is an en suite shower and spa facility, called The Bathroom. And of course, the personal concierge service, called The Girlfriend. Guests will also be issued with their own security assistant, The Key. No sooner was The Apartment unveiled than investors went wild, block-booking the room until July 23, 2024..."
-SH Magazine, Friday June 20, 2008; p. 3
Ode to Luxury
Did you hear? Did you know?
The best way to live has found its way to show.
When rich you'll lead chariots of isolate charm--
Feasts with your beckoning by spoke healed alarm,
With pretty faced girls who sigh with your call,
Massaging taut loins with abandon and gall.
And when the day falls with your thoughts by your side
Of swift machinations and enemies who hide,
Remember you're safe and isolate here,
That you command all, there's no one to fear.
In this paradise you hold, you show all the way
How others can come and find this and say:
Did you hear? Did you know?
"Inspired by JIA ("home"), You Qian Life Enhancing Developments took the concept of small, design-led hotels to its absolute end point in terms of bijou, frou-frou, boho, oh-so, boutique, boutique-y-chic-y - oh, darling - cheekiness, and launched... The Apartment. Yes. While some boutique hotels boast of 30 rooms and some swagger with ten, this final word in personal travel only has one, single, exclusive, reclusive, private room. In the suite there is the gratifyingly private restaurant, called The Kitchen. There is an en suite shower and spa facility, called The Bathroom. And of course, the personal concierge service, called The Girlfriend. Guests will also be issued with their own security assistant, The Key. No sooner was The Apartment unveiled than investors went wild, block-booking the room until July 23, 2024..."
-SH Magazine, Friday June 20, 2008; p. 3
Ode to Luxury
Did you hear? Did you know?
The best way to live has found its way to show.
When rich you'll lead chariots of isolate charm--
Feasts with your beckoning by spoke healed alarm,
With pretty faced girls who sigh with your call,
Massaging taut loins with abandon and gall.
And when the day falls with your thoughts by your side
Of swift machinations and enemies who hide,
Remember you're safe and isolate here,
That you command all, there's no one to fear.
In this paradise you hold, you show all the way
How others can come and find this and say:
Did you hear? Did you know?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Tourist or Why I Don't Like Writing About Shanghai
" The worst blogs about China are written by adoptive parents on a baby run, boozed up immature party animals congregated in Shanghai, and washed up failures teaching English in the PRC because they can't get jobs back in their own countries. These bloggers are usually short-timers in China without a clue and don't have any real insights worth reading. For the most part, their blogs are started upon first arriving in China. Undistinguished, unimaginative, and lacking any originality, the blogs soon die from apathy. "
- The China Tattler
The group was at one of the typical Shanghai patios, drinking ourselves into a stupor before sauntering off to a night of debauchery at some club, leaving nothing but the bitter taste of trite sarcasms and idiocy in our wake. We called for more drinks, prattling our ill-formed Chinese sentences, still too self-conscious about the rise and fall of our voices, sounding like Tourette's cases attacking our wide-eyed hostesses. Someone proudly gave this peroration:
Someone
The Chinese have a lack of creativity. The people have no spirit. It's all but been destroyed by the Communist Party and the Cultural Revolution.
Ferret
Please define what creativity is.
Someone Else
Here comes Ferret playing the devil's advocate again.
Ferret
No, I'd genuinely like to know because as far as I can tell the only thing our "creativity" has given us is more bars and clubs.
And Yet Someone Else
Are you serious? What about democracy and human rights? Individualism?
Ferret
It's unclear if they've been all that productive. I don't want to be entirely skeptical. I'm all for democracy, transparency of government, and individualism, but we, sitting right here, sure as hell don't seem to be taking advantage of it. Being more affluent or having more rights doesn't make you any more interesting or free of a person. In fact, I've met a lot of Chinese people who I think are a lot more authentic than me and a lot of foreigners I know here. Most foreigners I meet in Shanghai are just tourists, whether they are doing business or not. China is not their home, and they have no intention of making it one, lost souls without a purpose, looking to exploit the market, the laborers, the women and yes, all the jiu-ba's.
Somebody
Look, man. We're trying to have a good time. I've been teaching class all day. Let's not get all philosophical here. There's no need.
Somebody Else
Come on, Ferret. Stop trying to be all clever. I can see you posting something like this on your blog, and posting me saying you'd post it.
And Yet Somebody Else
Oh, that's deep shit, going all meta.
Somebody Else
Oh, I know!
Ferret
Of course when I post you saying that you'd say that I'd post it, then where the hell are we?
Somebody Else
So then you're posting that you're saying that you'd post saying that I'd say you'd post this in your blog?
Ferret
I'd say we're at the point of no return.
Somebody
Will you guys please talk about something interesting? You sound like babbling idiots talking about nothing.
Ferret
Drinks?
And Yet Somebody Else
[yelling far too loudly]
服务员!
Waitress!
- The China Tattler
The group was at one of the typical Shanghai patios, drinking ourselves into a stupor before sauntering off to a night of debauchery at some club, leaving nothing but the bitter taste of trite sarcasms and idiocy in our wake. We called for more drinks, prattling our ill-formed Chinese sentences, still too self-conscious about the rise and fall of our voices, sounding like Tourette's cases attacking our wide-eyed hostesses. Someone proudly gave this peroration:
Someone
The Chinese have a lack of creativity. The people have no spirit. It's all but been destroyed by the Communist Party and the Cultural Revolution.
Ferret
Please define what creativity is.
Someone Else
Here comes Ferret playing the devil's advocate again.
Ferret
No, I'd genuinely like to know because as far as I can tell the only thing our "creativity" has given us is more bars and clubs.
And Yet Someone Else
Are you serious? What about democracy and human rights? Individualism?
Ferret
It's unclear if they've been all that productive. I don't want to be entirely skeptical. I'm all for democracy, transparency of government, and individualism, but we, sitting right here, sure as hell don't seem to be taking advantage of it. Being more affluent or having more rights doesn't make you any more interesting or free of a person. In fact, I've met a lot of Chinese people who I think are a lot more authentic than me and a lot of foreigners I know here. Most foreigners I meet in Shanghai are just tourists, whether they are doing business or not. China is not their home, and they have no intention of making it one, lost souls without a purpose, looking to exploit the market, the laborers, the women and yes, all the jiu-ba's.
Somebody
Look, man. We're trying to have a good time. I've been teaching class all day. Let's not get all philosophical here. There's no need.
Somebody Else
Come on, Ferret. Stop trying to be all clever. I can see you posting something like this on your blog, and posting me saying you'd post it.
And Yet Somebody Else
Oh, that's deep shit, going all meta.
Somebody Else
Oh, I know!
Ferret
Of course when I post you saying that you'd say that I'd post it, then where the hell are we?
Somebody Else
So then you're posting that you're saying that you'd post saying that I'd say you'd post this in your blog?
Ferret
I'd say we're at the point of no return.
Somebody
Will you guys please talk about something interesting? You sound like babbling idiots talking about nothing.
Ferret
Drinks?
And Yet Somebody Else
[yelling far too loudly]
服务员!
Waitress!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
These Days
These are the days when the trees will sing their windy caterwauls,
And imprism the light in ravenous bloom.
Young men will cock their heads akimbo, prowling like drunken wolves,
Ravenous, yet languidly falling to a feast.
Young women will sway brightly as their steps approximate a dance,
A reel, hurdy-gurdy tuned, like the rise and fall of some giant cylinder,
Pulling you deeper into its core,
A bingo wheel, a threshing stone.
The old will roll their eyes and pucker their mouths inward,
As if trying to taste the memories inside themselves,
Gone too far in space and time to even speak:
"Yes. Yes. You know me well."
Children will scream, if only to hear themselves scream,
Proving conclusively the existence of their vocal chords and the air they vibrate,
A prelude to the future,
The endless task of asserting:
"Yes, I am. Yes, I exist."
The streetbeds will clamor with the sounds of more feet,
The roar of eager cars,
The swish of seasoned bicycles.
The skies will creak and clatter.
They'll moan and wail,
Swirling at a pace tempting wild speculation,
Charts littering the walls,
Machines wracking with hums,
Men who speak in half-truth percentages
And eyes in space.
And though these things all speak their own words,
Their own signs and gasps in the firmament,
Together they call:
"The time is here and now and short,
So love these days in their passing.
The heat will come; the cold will frost,
And bake these days to memory,
To harken their return again."
And imprism the light in ravenous bloom.
Young men will cock their heads akimbo, prowling like drunken wolves,
Ravenous, yet languidly falling to a feast.
Young women will sway brightly as their steps approximate a dance,
A reel, hurdy-gurdy tuned, like the rise and fall of some giant cylinder,
Pulling you deeper into its core,
A bingo wheel, a threshing stone.
The old will roll their eyes and pucker their mouths inward,
As if trying to taste the memories inside themselves,
Gone too far in space and time to even speak:
"Yes. Yes. You know me well."
Children will scream, if only to hear themselves scream,
Proving conclusively the existence of their vocal chords and the air they vibrate,
A prelude to the future,
The endless task of asserting:
"Yes, I am. Yes, I exist."
The streetbeds will clamor with the sounds of more feet,
The roar of eager cars,
The swish of seasoned bicycles.
The skies will creak and clatter.
They'll moan and wail,
Swirling at a pace tempting wild speculation,
Charts littering the walls,
Machines wracking with hums,
Men who speak in half-truth percentages
And eyes in space.
And though these things all speak their own words,
Their own signs and gasps in the firmament,
Together they call:
"The time is here and now and short,
So love these days in their passing.
The heat will come; the cold will frost,
And bake these days to memory,
To harken their return again."
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Best Use of Technology
I had a dream last night,
About half past three
A goddess spoke:
Sweet Technology.
Her skin was like crystal
In liquid displays,
Fibers for eyes
pulsing cathode rays.
Her lips were both pouted
At binary best
And silicon folds
Arose from her chest.
Her voice started too harsh
All gravel at first,
But smoothed like waters
Intended to burst:
"Darling, will you hold me?
And give me your heart?
I'll give you the keys
To worlds that you'll part.
You'll see into atoms
Make ad-men's lures,
Stealth and wealth weapons,
Lowly cripple's cures.
You'll rise in newfound days,
Learn to beat the sun,
Grow the world white hot,
Cool it down for fun.
And when you're alone and tired,
Visions that you'll see
Will cloud your clocked mind
From mediocrities.
Visions of great houses
And monster truck boobs
Will awe your mind to sleep
With LCD tubes.
So boy give me your answer
I promise you'll have fun
The time to act is now
The race has just begun."
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Epigram #2
A girl poses for a picture,
Flushing Chinesely,
Her shoulders of her shirt
Falling by her friend's help
Showing more of her body
Standing in front of a fountain
Thinking herself a Botticelli.
(For a moment, I made her one.)
Flushing Chinesely,
Her shoulders of her shirt
Falling by her friend's help
Showing more of her body
Standing in front of a fountain
Thinking herself a Botticelli.
(For a moment, I made her one.)
Friday, February 8, 2008
Thoughts on an Airplane Ride
When I boarded my plane yesterday from Shenzhen to Shanghai, I noticed that when I boarded all the seats up front were occupied quickly, but none of the ones in the back (were I was) were at all. This got me to thinking...
I assume that the tickets were sold from the front to the rear of the plane, and seeing as how I bought my ticket online only days ago, this would make sense. But how come everyone in this first wave of boarding was sitting in front? Perhaps it is indicative of the personalities/preferences of those boarding the plane. The ones who booked their ticket long in advance are adverse to rushing, or to put it another way, play it safe and plan ahead. It would make sense for people of this nature to be present right when the plane opened for boarding. Those who booked later, it would seem , tend to plan less and act more spontaneously. Hence the great rush to the back which ensued. Everyone who was prone to rush ended up with their seat in the back.
A COROLLARY
This reminds me: I've noticed that Southwest Airlines has actually taken this approach in boarding, allowing you to print out your boarding pass at home a certain time before. Those who print their boarding pass at the beginning of this time window are allowed to board first, while those who print it out later, or get it at the terminal have to wait longer to board. I find this strategy ingenious not only because it saves resources for Southwest (i.e. fewer staff to monitor the provision of boarding passes), but it is also relatively painless to their customers. (This is, of course, dependent on the fact that my observations aren't just anecdotal.) Given the connection between preferences and the way in which passengers board, this arrangement would occur anyway. Southwest, by harnessing this insight, has enabled itself to increase efficiency without compromising the all-important specter of service.
I assume that the tickets were sold from the front to the rear of the plane, and seeing as how I bought my ticket online only days ago, this would make sense. But how come everyone in this first wave of boarding was sitting in front? Perhaps it is indicative of the personalities/preferences of those boarding the plane. The ones who booked their ticket long in advance are adverse to rushing, or to put it another way, play it safe and plan ahead. It would make sense for people of this nature to be present right when the plane opened for boarding. Those who booked later, it would seem , tend to plan less and act more spontaneously. Hence the great rush to the back which ensued. Everyone who was prone to rush ended up with their seat in the back.
A COROLLARY
This reminds me: I've noticed that Southwest Airlines has actually taken this approach in boarding, allowing you to print out your boarding pass at home a certain time before. Those who print their boarding pass at the beginning of this time window are allowed to board first, while those who print it out later, or get it at the terminal have to wait longer to board. I find this strategy ingenious not only because it saves resources for Southwest (i.e. fewer staff to monitor the provision of boarding passes), but it is also relatively painless to their customers. (This is, of course, dependent on the fact that my observations aren't just anecdotal.) Given the connection between preferences and the way in which passengers board, this arrangement would occur anyway. Southwest, by harnessing this insight, has enabled itself to increase efficiency without compromising the all-important specter of service.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Cilantro: The Weed that Divides Us
Bu-Ran-Don
Did you guys know that Ferret doesn't like cilantro?
I was recently confronted by my friends for the fact that I don't like cilantro. My friend Bu-Ran-Don was cooking some chorizo-cod, and adding cilantro to the mix. I commented that I don't like cilantro. Silence in the room. I don't think I've ever felt so persecuted for my taste in food. (Yes, not even the fact that I like durian has brought me such honest disdain.)
But yes -- cilantro -- I've never found it that appealing; it tastes a little like trash. However, as I think is well documented, I have a little bit of a masochistic streak when it comes to trash. Therefore, I'm willing to tolerate a bit of it in my food. Interestingly enough, there is a burgeoning portion of the population (1,777 at most recent count) that has been so infuriated by this weed that they have taken to the streets -- well, the virtual ones anyway.
I Hate Cilantro is such a community of cilantro haters. I think their vehemence is poignantly expressed by this picture from their website:
I was also pretty taken by their haiku section. My favorites:
This one by member Fairygreen:
Fondue so lovely
Wait, a bitter blow to tongue
A great meal ruined
Or this one (of many) by Popmusicguy:
Lucrezia Borgia
World famous for poisoning
Favored cilantro
Oh yeah, there's an anti-cilantro store as well, t-shirts, hats, the whole bit. Markets in everything. Care to vent your hatred, anyone? (Coriander is also available.)
Did you guys know that Ferret doesn't like cilantro?
I was recently confronted by my friends for the fact that I don't like cilantro. My friend Bu-Ran-Don was cooking some chorizo-cod, and adding cilantro to the mix. I commented that I don't like cilantro. Silence in the room. I don't think I've ever felt so persecuted for my taste in food. (Yes, not even the fact that I like durian has brought me such honest disdain.)
But yes -- cilantro -- I've never found it that appealing; it tastes a little like trash. However, as I think is well documented, I have a little bit of a masochistic streak when it comes to trash. Therefore, I'm willing to tolerate a bit of it in my food. Interestingly enough, there is a burgeoning portion of the population (1,777 at most recent count) that has been so infuriated by this weed that they have taken to the streets -- well, the virtual ones anyway.
I Hate Cilantro is such a community of cilantro haters. I think their vehemence is poignantly expressed by this picture from their website:
I was also pretty taken by their haiku section. My favorites:
This one by member Fairygreen:
Fondue so lovely
Wait, a bitter blow to tongue
A great meal ruined
Or this one (of many) by Popmusicguy:
Lucrezia Borgia
World famous for poisoning
Favored cilantro
Oh yeah, there's an anti-cilantro store as well, t-shirts, hats, the whole bit. Markets in everything. Care to vent your hatred, anyone? (Coriander is also available.)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Greatest Coffee Table Book You'll Never Read
I've been prompted to engage in yet another Quixotic, wasteful project - to produce the greatest book that no one will ever read. (Some of you cynics out there may already be thinking the Bible or some other religious text. Think of this as a new Bible if you like, but I wouldn't consider anything about this project divine.) Everyone would buy it, but nobody would read it -- the most popular coffee table book known to man. (For those of you who are partial to coffee books, perversely taking pleasure in attempting to read books that weigh as much as a small child, feel free to get your hooting, huffing and puffing out at your computer screen out here.) For this project to succeed, it would require two things: first, a uncannily striking, yet utterly innocuous cover, capable of blending into the background in a distinctive way (My vote is for an impressionist painting. As to which one, I will return to shortly.); second, a plethora of prose that proves too daunting, informative, or otherwise uninteresting to warrant being published in a book that people will actually intend to read.
Readers of scruta, I am asking you for your submissions for this coffee table book. I am also asking you for ideas, or posts as to what would me a good cover. To get things rolling, I have submitted my own vote for the cover, and have provided a provisional introduction to the book. Feel free to comment on this also.
COVER FOR THE COFFEE TABLE BOOK NOBODY WILL READ:
This still life of sunflowers by Van Gogh (I don't know the actual title) blends into any room with an air of familiar, completely innocuous sophistication. The cover immediately puts most people off from the book because either
1) They are an art snob, and think that Van Gogh is now just kitsch.
or
2) They think that it's an art book that only art snobs would like.
At this point, only several groups come to mind who would still wish to check out the book. I'll list them below and describe how I would put them off the book if they actually picked it up.
PEOPLE WHO REALLY LIKE VAN GOGH
These are the people who utterly adore Van Gogh. Their bathrooms are filled with his works. They have adorned the ceilings of their bedrooms with his posters, finding them stimulating their dreams, overcoming their moments of depression, heightening their orgasms. They have an extensive collection of Van Gogh books and movies both serious and frivolous. (They not only own, but were the ones that funded the Van Gogh themed adult movie.) They have named their children Vincent, regardless of their sex. And yes, they have considered mutilating their ears on more than one occasion...writing extensive journals about it, in the style of Vincent Van Gogh.
PROLOGUE
This book is not intended to be read by anybody. If that fact excites you, then I should like to mention that it was also intended to be read by corporate lawyers and accountants. If your panties are still in a bunch, I have a question for you:
If you have two trains heading towards each other, 35 miles apart, one is traveling 85 mph, the other is traveling 75 mph. It is now 5:15 pm. At what time will these two trains meet each other?
(NOTE: The answer to this question is of vital importance to understanding anything further in this book. If you hate these types of problems, or find that deciphering them proves too difficult a task for you, then I would suggest that you put the book down now.)
The answer to this question reveals several things. I would like to start with a more oblique approach, in the style of the sophists of old.
In answering something, one generally intends to imply the truth. However, the truth is often generally intended in questioning somebody. So if we are assuming truth before we know the truth, do we ever know the truth?
If a woodchuck really does chuck wood, does it matter how much wood the woodchuck would chuck? I suppose that this all really depends on context. That in some cases, yes, it would matter that the trains would meet at 5:28 (and 7.5 seconds) PM because the woodchuck would not finish chucking wood until at least 5:30, and therefore could not be responsible for the flipping of the switch which would cause these trains to collide, derail, and cause innumerable family tragedies.
The point is that there is no point, unless of course there is a point. This concept is very difficult to grasp since it is rather pointed. This book will address such points.
(Here my prologue ends. If this hasn't gotten you to stop reading by now, please submit something that would. Biblical begatting for several pages, perhaps?)
Readers of scruta, I am asking you for your submissions for this coffee table book. I am also asking you for ideas, or posts as to what would me a good cover. To get things rolling, I have submitted my own vote for the cover, and have provided a provisional introduction to the book. Feel free to comment on this also.
COVER FOR THE COFFEE TABLE BOOK NOBODY WILL READ:
This still life of sunflowers by Van Gogh (I don't know the actual title) blends into any room with an air of familiar, completely innocuous sophistication. The cover immediately puts most people off from the book because either
1) They are an art snob, and think that Van Gogh is now just kitsch.
or
2) They think that it's an art book that only art snobs would like.
At this point, only several groups come to mind who would still wish to check out the book. I'll list them below and describe how I would put them off the book if they actually picked it up.
PEOPLE WHO REALLY LIKE VAN GOGH
These are the people who utterly adore Van Gogh. Their bathrooms are filled with his works. They have adorned the ceilings of their bedrooms with his posters, finding them stimulating their dreams, overcoming their moments of depression, heightening their orgasms. They have an extensive collection of Van Gogh books and movies both serious and frivolous. (They not only own, but were the ones that funded the Van Gogh themed adult movie.) They have named their children Vincent, regardless of their sex. And yes, they have considered mutilating their ears on more than one occasion...writing extensive journals about it, in the style of Vincent Van Gogh.
MY REBUTTAL
On the inside cover, I think that another picture by Monet should be placed to ruin the purity of Van Gogh's vision. One of Monet's waterlillies would work splendidly. This has the secondary effect of keeping more persistant art snobs (and those who despise them) out, perpetuating the idea that his is one more impressionist coffee table book. Here's what I mean:
PEOPLE WHO ARE BORED WITH THEIR PRESENT COMPANY
These are the people dealing with the boredom of waiting for something to happen (someone to say something interesting) or stop happening (someone to stop saying something uninteresting).
PEOPLE WHO ARE BORED WITH THEIR PRESENT COMPANY
These are the people dealing with the boredom of waiting for something to happen (someone to say something interesting) or stop happening (someone to stop saying something uninteresting).
MY REBUTTAL
I recommend after the Monet picture to put in an essay by Heidegger in the original German. If the fact that the language is foreign doesn't put the reader off, then the fact that it's philosophy written in abstruse prose will. Now assuming that our reader is well versed in both German and Continental philosophy, and finds themselves riveted by the essay, never fear because my Prologue, in shining English will come to the rescue. The inexplicable disorderliness of the entire book at this point would also be enough to put anybody out.PROLOGUE
This book is not intended to be read by anybody. If that fact excites you, then I should like to mention that it was also intended to be read by corporate lawyers and accountants. If your panties are still in a bunch, I have a question for you:
If you have two trains heading towards each other, 35 miles apart, one is traveling 85 mph, the other is traveling 75 mph. It is now 5:15 pm. At what time will these two trains meet each other?
(NOTE: The answer to this question is of vital importance to understanding anything further in this book. If you hate these types of problems, or find that deciphering them proves too difficult a task for you, then I would suggest that you put the book down now.)
The answer to this question reveals several things. I would like to start with a more oblique approach, in the style of the sophists of old.
In answering something, one generally intends to imply the truth. However, the truth is often generally intended in questioning somebody. So if we are assuming truth before we know the truth, do we ever know the truth?
If a woodchuck really does chuck wood, does it matter how much wood the woodchuck would chuck? I suppose that this all really depends on context. That in some cases, yes, it would matter that the trains would meet at 5:28 (and 7.5 seconds) PM because the woodchuck would not finish chucking wood until at least 5:30, and therefore could not be responsible for the flipping of the switch which would cause these trains to collide, derail, and cause innumerable family tragedies.
The point is that there is no point, unless of course there is a point. This concept is very difficult to grasp since it is rather pointed. This book will address such points.
(Here my prologue ends. If this hasn't gotten you to stop reading by now, please submit something that would. Biblical begatting for several pages, perhaps?)
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