Cheers for China!

A cartoon issued to provide extra guidance on top of the "Olympic cheering practice" sessions that have been held for workers around Beijing for the last year shows a young girl in the approved postures. [...] The cartoon is the joint product of the Communist Party’s spiritual civilisation bureau, the ministry of education, the Beijing Olympics organising committee, and state television, which has begun showing clips of schoolchildren showing how it is done.

- "Beijing Unveils Official Olympic Games Cheers," The Telegraph, June 06, 2008

[Spirit Chief, Education Minister, Olympic Organizer, and State TV Man are all sitting at a conference table at a government office in Beijing. They are standing, involved in a shouting match, unable to restrain themselves, as they point fingers and dramatically arch their voices. The Education Minister slams his hands down on the table, and seizing attention for a moment, speaks:]

Education Minister
Come on people, this is bullshit. The people of China are depending on us to make a cheer that will unite them. This is for the children.

State TV Man
Oh, look at you now, Mr. Education, bringing in the children. All of sudden you just want to resolve the issue, when I put my goddamn neck out on the line to get two claps instead of one! I was so ready to go for one clap! 加油！加油！(Go go! Go go!) Straight ahead, easy for anyone to do. A good fist pump or two. That's all we need.

Spirit Chief
Gentlemen, please! Let's be civil!! [They all sit down.] As for the one clap, you know there was no way we could do that. It's just not in line with the spirit of China.

State TV Man
Well, I'm sure that you are right given your post. The Chinese spirit is best represented with a chant that goes well with "We Will Rock You."

Olympic Organizer
Wow! That's true! Queen really were a great band, weren't they? I can remember when I was an exchange student at UC-Berkeley, we'd always play that.

Education Chief
Oh, definitely. Freddie Mercury was truly a genius.

Spirit Chief
Freddie Mercury?

Education Chief
Surely you know who Freddie Mercury is?

Spirit Chief
Surely I do. It was just a matter of recollection.

State TV Man
Yes, it must be difficult to remember things about pop culture while you are busy assuring that only the best cultural artifacts are not destroyed.

Spirit Chief
Well, I must admit that "We will rock the Queen" or whatever isn't important. This is about China. The two claps are supposed to represent that unity of Chi--

State TV Man
China and the world. The yin and the yang. The dual nature of our lives. The majestic power of the Chinese people among the world powers like the peaks of Huangshan mountain. Your erudite explanation was well understood the first time.

Spirit Chief
Are you insinuating something?

State TV Man
Nothing.

Spirit Chief
Don't forget who you are talking to here. You are perhaps too overzealous in your enthusiasm.

State TV Man
I'll never forget. I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

Olympic Organizer
He's just a poor boy from a poor family!

State TV Man and Olympic Organizer
Spare him his life from his monstrosity!!!

[State TV Man and Olympic Organizer give each other high fives and start laughing, then start doing the cheer with each other.]

Education Minister
This is seriously no laughing matter. We must deliberate on this seriously for the children.

Spirit Chief
I agree.

State TV Man
The children will be fine.

Education Minister
What's that supposed to mean?

State TV Man
I think we should add a whoop at the end! [Does the cheer] Whoop!

Olympic Organizer
Whoop!

Spirit Chief
You two are clearly not qualified to handle so delicate a task.

State TV Man
But you are truly able to handle the necessary affairs of state with immense tact and skill. That's why they put you in charge of looking after old teahouses.

Spirit Chief
And you as well. CCTV programming is truly the pinnacle achievement of Chinese culture. It makes the poets of the Tang Dynasty look like fools.

[The Spirit Chief and the State TV Man glare at each other.]

Olympic Organizer
Well, I think that you both do a good job. The cheer has turned out great too.

Spirit Chief
Thank you for your opinion. It was very helpful. Please go to your other meeting on licensing pens with the mascots on them.

State TV Man
I agree, your skills are so great they would be of greater benefit for producing Olympic teddy bears.

Education Minister
Will someone think of the children right now?

[They all glare at each other for a moment. They all stand and begin shouting.]