Editorial High Jinks

Roo
No way!

Ferret
What?

Roo
You see this picture in your China book?

Ferret
Yeah.

Roo
It means it sucks.

Ferret
What?

Roo
This word means sucks.

Ferret
No way!

Roo
Serious! If something sucks we say 这个很爛哦！That means it sucks.

Ferret
Weird. Maybe they picked it because it has lots of different strokes in it.

Roo
Maybe they just want to play a joke.

Why I believe in Synchronicity

I was sitting on the metro coming home from an extended tour of a bar in Pudong, when I began thinking about China, and people like Gao Chuancai, a true freedom fighter in the Chinese hinterland who risks his life daily for justice, threatening the livelihood of his entire family in the process. His fearlessness in the face of authority is astounding, and to most Chinese sheer insanity.

A time ago I remember being in Chinese class discussing how Western culture was different than Chinese culture. I remember commenting that Western culture values madness, but due to my limited skills I was unable articulate myself well at the time. Confusing, and possibly insulting my teacher. Even when I switched to English, I still found it hard to explain my intuition. What I think I meant was that I thought the West values the activist as an archetype. Whether you think they are loonies or no, activists are an accepted figure on the fringe of our society. In China, this isn't so. Gao Chuancai is an example of how this is changing.

Just as I was thinking all of this, a fat, slovenly looking man walked into my car on the train and began barking at all the people in Chinese. Most of them looked generally annoyed, and gave him no notice. I couldn't tell what he was saying, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard. He struck me as a bum, asking for money. However, as he began to pass me in the car, he stopped speaking in Chinese and began speaking to me in polished English:

Hello sir! Let me introduce myself. I am the fat man on the metro who speaks out against corruption. [As he said this, and everytime he said he was "the fat man on the metro" he slapped his belly.] I go around on the metro lines telling people to stand with me, and declare they will fight with me to work for a more harmonious and free society. I know that if I stand alone, then they will come for me, and will probably kill me. However, if we stand together, then there is nothing that they can do. Let everyone know about the fat man on the metro and tell them to come and stand with me.

It was at this point that I asked him what his name was. He said simply, "I am the fat man on the metro."

I stood and shook his hand.

At that point, the train stopped, and he quickly moved to another car and began all over again. I sat back down and realized:

I'm not the one he has to convince. Somehow I was already with him before he started talking. But all the Chinese people on the metro around me, were they?

Here's another account of "the fat man on the metro."

Here he is at other moments (in Chinese):

A Terrible Mistake

Ferret is assigned the task of calling various Chinese electronics stores. He is not really up to this task. However, he bravely attempts to call and ask the price of a camera (相机, xiàng jī ).

Female Store Clerk
喂。
(Hello.)

Ferret
你好。我找小妓 (xiǎo jī)。
(Hey. I'm looking for prostitute.)

Female Store Clerk
什么？!
(What?!)

Ferret
一个小妓。这是国美商店吗？
(A prostitute. Is this Gome (a local electronics store)?)

Female Store Clerk
对呀。你找什么东西啊？
(This is. What are you looking for?)

Ferret
一个小妓。
(A prostitute.)

Female Store Clerk
请稍等。

(Please hold on a second.)

There is a great, immediate, yet inaudible commotion on the phone before Ferret can even speak.

Ferret

好的.

(Okay.)

A minute passes. Ferret is frustrated, finding himself unable to express himself. Someone picks up the phone.

Male Store Clerk

喂。
(Hello.)

Ferret
喂，你好。我教一个相机。

(Hey there. Hi. I'm looking for a camera.)

Male Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！
(Oh! A camera!)

In the background, the Female Store Clerk can be heard:

Female Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！我觉得他找一个小妓！
(Oh! A camera! I thought he was looking for a prostitute!)

Ferret realizes that he has just called an electronics store and asked if there were hookers. All in day's work...

New Words

gurning

noshery

brinjaul / brinjal

(Un)Planned Events

Event #1 - 红包 (Hongbao, i.e. a red envelope full of money):

Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.

Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?

Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.

Roo
Wow. It was good?

Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.

[Shows Roo.]

Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?

Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.

Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.

Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.

Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.

Ferret
No way.


Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)

Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.

Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?

Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.

Oldengib
The one you went to last week.

Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.

Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.

Ferret
Do what?

Oldengib
Give you a bribe.

Ferret
Oh.

Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.

Ferret
Oh.


Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)

Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.

The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."

The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.


Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace



Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.

Snubbing the Chinese Police?

"SECURITY has been tightened further on Metro lines ahead of the Olympic football matches to be held at Shanghai Stadium.

Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.

"Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random," Dai said..."

- "Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics," Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29


Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.

Roo
Really?

Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed "Security Check Here!" I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I've never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn't ruin his day, or piss him off.

Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.

Ferret
Man, I hope not.

Cheers for China!

A cartoon issued to provide extra guidance on top of the "Olympic cheering practice" sessions that have been held for workers around Beijing for the last year shows a young girl in the approved postures. [...] The cartoon is the joint product of the Communist Party’s spiritual civilisation bureau, the ministry of education, the Beijing Olympics organising committee, and state television, which has begun showing clips of schoolchildren showing how it is done.

- "Beijing Unveils Official Olympic Games Cheers," The Telegraph, June 06, 2008

[Spirit Chief, Education Minister, Olympic Organizer, and State TV Man are all sitting at a conference table at a government office in Beijing. They are standing, involved in a shouting match, unable to restrain themselves, as they point fingers and dramatically arch their voices. The Education Minister slams his hands down on the table, and seizing attention for a moment, speaks:]

Education Minister
Come on people, this is bullshit. The people of China are depending on us to make a cheer that will unite them. This is for the children.

State TV Man
Oh, look at you now, Mr. Education, bringing in the children. All of sudden you just want to resolve the issue, when I put my goddamn neck out on the line to get two claps instead of one! I was so ready to go for one clap! 加油！加油！(Go go! Go go!) Straight ahead, easy for anyone to do. A good fist pump or two. That's all we need.

Spirit Chief
Gentlemen, please! Let's be civil!! [They all sit down.] As for the one clap, you know there was no way we could do that. It's just not in line with the spirit of China.

State TV Man
Well, I'm sure that you are right given your post. The Chinese spirit is best represented with a chant that goes well with "We Will Rock You."

Olympic Organizer
Wow! That's true! Queen really were a great band, weren't they? I can remember when I was an exchange student at UC-Berkeley, we'd always play that.

Education Chief
Oh, definitely. Freddie Mercury was truly a genius.

Spirit Chief
Freddie Mercury?

Education Chief
Surely you know who Freddie Mercury is?

Spirit Chief
Surely I do. It was just a matter of recollection.

State TV Man
Yes, it must be difficult to remember things about pop culture while you are busy assuring that only the best cultural artifacts are not destroyed.

Spirit Chief
Well, I must admit that "We will rock the Queen" or whatever isn't important. This is about China. The two claps are supposed to represent that unity of Chi--

State TV Man
China and the world. The yin and the yang. The dual nature of our lives. The majestic power of the Chinese people among the world powers like the peaks of Huangshan mountain. Your erudite explanation was well understood the first time.

Spirit Chief
Are you insinuating something?

State TV Man
Nothing.

Spirit Chief
Don't forget who you are talking to here. You are perhaps too overzealous in your enthusiasm.

State TV Man
I'll never forget. I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

Olympic Organizer
He's just a poor boy from a poor family!

State TV Man and Olympic Organizer
Spare him his life from his monstrosity!!!

[State TV Man and Olympic Organizer give each other high fives and start laughing, then start doing the cheer with each other.]

Education Minister
This is seriously no laughing matter. We must deliberate on this seriously for the children.

Spirit Chief
I agree.

State TV Man
The children will be fine.

Education Minister
What's that supposed to mean?

State TV Man
I think we should add a whoop at the end! [Does the cheer] Whoop!

Olympic Organizer
Whoop!

Spirit Chief
You two are clearly not qualified to handle so delicate a task.

State TV Man
But you are truly able to handle the necessary affairs of state with immense tact and skill. That's why they put you in charge of looking after old teahouses.

Spirit Chief
And you as well. CCTV programming is truly the pinnacle achievement of Chinese culture. It makes the poets of the Tang Dynasty look like fools.

[The Spirit Chief and the State TV Man glare at each other.]

Olympic Organizer
Well, I think that you both do a good job. The cheer has turned out great too.

Spirit Chief
Thank you for your opinion. It was very helpful. Please go to your other meeting on licensing pens with the mascots on them.

State TV Man
I agree, your skills are so great they would be of greater benefit for producing Olympic teddy bears.

Education Minister
Will someone think of the children right now?

[They all glare at each other for a moment. They all stand and begin shouting.]