Appearance on the Daily Show

[The following is a transcript of my (ficitonal) appearance on the Daily Show, which garnered such a high rating share that I received a (ficitonal) call from several television companies asking me to produce my own show, exploring the content on my blog and my most recently published book (fiction, but also, as of now, ficitonal).]

John Stewart
Okay folks, tonight's guest is the author of a blog that is making its rounds on the internet called "Scruta," which has spawned a newly released best-selling book of the same name. Please welcome, Ferret to the show.

[Ferret walks on the soundstage, amidst cheers, and applause. He shakes John Stewart's hand, and they take their seats.]

John Stewart
So... your name is Ferret?

Ferret
Yes.

John Stewart
You have a blog named Scr-oo-tA, which I am told is the Latin name for trash.

Ferret
Yes.

John Stewart
Well, hmm... don't you think that's a little self deprecating to name yourself after a rodent, and call your blog trash? Like were you sitting there saying to yourself: Weasel and Dungheap, Rat and Cesspool, you might have more luck?

Ferret
Well, John, Rat and Cesspool does a nice ring.

John Stewart
It does, doesn't it?

Ferret
Incredible! You can feel the angst flipping directly off of your tongue as soon as you say cess. Try it!

John Stewart
Cess!

Ferret
Cess!

[Laughter from the crowd. John and Ferret chuckle between themselves. Everything settles.]

Ferret
But seriously, I don't think I need to tell you about the incredible powers of self-deprecation. It's half of your shtick on this fine show.

John Stewart
You have no idea how far I've sunk.

Ferret
This show has truly been the bane of your existence, am I right?

John Stewart
The BANE. Oh yes, you have no idea how hard it is to actually comment on the news everyday with such cynicism to reefer toking, PhD candidates.

[Tittering from the crowd.]

Ferret
Their 1% market share is demanding... on weed!

John Stewart
Oh, there you go! My one great... well, my only role in film. That's right, I played a man obsessed with smoking marijuana! But let me say, that I'm a big fan of the blog, and the book is actually quite good. You've taken things from everywhere. A critic from the New York Times called it "a wonderful form of pastiche, that refuses to commit to any genre, but delves into the issues of modern life in such a way reminiscent of the philosophical confessions of old. Ferret uses himself as his own view into the world, giving us hope in the virtuous life, and the honest man."

Ferret
On weed?

[Laughter.]

Ferret
But in seriousness, John. I've tried to commit strongly to the idea that this new form of the blog might be a way to really explore philosophical issues, but also prove an outlet for my writing. It's a sounding board where I try and figure things out, sort through all the trash in my life--actual or psychological, and hope that I leave something worthwhile.

John Stewart
Well, it certainly has. One thing I always admire about what you do is that you choose to post in every medium, writing, music, video. You seem to be able to execute all of these things so well. And they all tie into each other. Every time I read one of your blogs it carries beyond itself.

Ferret
Well, thank you. It sounds like you are talking about this whole pastiche thing that people always accuse me of. I've always thought that that was a nice way of saying that I stole my material, that I'm some kind of half-ass artist living off of the comments and events of the day. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you John?

John Stewart
Well, truth be told. Meh, maybe a little bit.

[He grins fiendishly; chuckles rise from the audience.]

Ferret
So it seems that we have something in common, god forbid.

John Stewart
God forbid.

[Ferret realizes that he's shut down John Stewart a bit, and quite frankly, been a bit of an asshole.]

Ferret
You want to do some dirty limericks with me?

John Stewart
Well, I-

Ferret
I've always wanted to do them on TV, and I figure this is cable right?

John Stewart
Oh yes it is. Umm... "I once knew a girl from Nantucket...?"

Ferret
Whose [expletive] was shaped like a bucket.

[Roars of laughter from the audience, John Stewart tries not to laugh, but starts to laugh. He starts to catch his breath, saying:]

John Stewart
It was so large?

Ferret
It could fill a barge, but none of the men could [expletive] it.

[Laughter; John Stewart as well.]

John Stewart
Wow.

Ferret
So there you have it. We've done dirty limericks on air. Viewers, I swear my blog is about real topics of interest, philosophy and like. It's never low-brow.

John Stewart
Truly not!

Ferret
Cess!

John Stewart
Cess!

[More laughter.]

John Stewart
So... I guess we are running out of time.

Ferret
That's fine John. I just wanted to have one last serious type of comment here. I wanted to thank you for all that you've done to further use of comedy in service of the truth, and for giving me a forum to say dirty limericks on TV. Your show has been a real inspiration to me, and it's an honor to finally appear on it.

John Stewart
Truly a pleasure sir to go through the trash with you. Ferret everyone!

[Rounds of applause. They go to commercial. John Stewart and Ferret talk privately underneath the roar.]

Ferret
You owe me $50.

John Stewart
I know, I didn't think you'd do the dirty limerick on air. I thought, you were...

Ferret
High brow? Come on. I'm a trash collector.

John Stewart
Touche.

Ferret
Touche.