(Un)Planned Events

Event #1 - 红包 (Hongbao, i.e. a red envelope full of money):

Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.

Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?

Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.

Roo
Wow. It was good?

Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.

[Shows Roo.]

Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?

Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.

Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.

Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.

Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.

Ferret
No way.


Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)

Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.

Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?

Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.

Oldengib
The one you went to last week.

Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.

Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.

Ferret
Do what?

Oldengib
Give you a bribe.

Ferret
Oh.

Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.

Ferret
Oh.


Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)

Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.

The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."

The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.


Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace



Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.

Who Inspired the Shanghai Superbrand Mall?

Ode to Luxury

Inspiration I nabbed in this blurb from SH Magazine, although I couldn't find it on their website:

"Inspired by JIA ("home"), You Qian Life Enhancing Developments took the concept of small, design-led hotels to its absolute end point in terms of bijou, frou-frou, boho, oh-so, boutique, boutique-y-chic-y - oh, darling - cheekiness, and launched... The Apartment. Yes. While some boutique hotels boast of 30 rooms and some swagger with ten, this final word in personal travel only has one, single, exclusive, reclusive, private room. In the suite there is the gratifyingly private restaurant, called The Kitchen. There is an en suite shower and spa facility, called The Bathroom. And of course, the personal concierge service, called The Girlfriend. Guests will also be issued with their own security assistant, The Key. No sooner was The Apartment unveiled than investors went wild, block-booking the room until July 23, 2024..."

-SH Magazine, Friday June 20, 2008; p. 3

Ode to Luxury

Did you hear? Did you know?
The best way to live has found its way to show.
When rich you'll lead chariots of isolate charm--
Feasts with your beckoning by spoke healed alarm,
With pretty faced girls who sigh with your call,
Massaging taut loins with abandon and gall.
And when the day falls with your thoughts by your side
Of swift machinations and enemies who hide,
Remember you're safe and isolate here,
That you command all, there's no one to fear.

In this paradise you hold, you show all the way
How others can come and find this and say:
Did you hear? Did you know?

A Tourist or Why I Don't Like Writing About Shanghai

" The worst blogs about China are written by adoptive parents on a baby run, boozed up immature party animals congregated in Shanghai, and washed up failures teaching English in the PRC because they can't get jobs back in their own countries. These bloggers are usually short-timers in China without a clue and don't have any real insights worth reading. For the most part, their blogs are started upon first arriving in China. Undistinguished, unimaginative, and lacking any originality, the blogs soon die from apathy. "

- The China Tattler

The group was at one of the typical Shanghai patios, drinking ourselves into a stupor before sauntering off to a night of debauchery at some club, leaving nothing but the bitter taste of trite sarcasms and idiocy in our wake. We called for more drinks, prattling our ill-formed Chinese sentences, still too self-conscious about the rise and fall of our voices, sounding like Tourette's cases attacking our wide-eyed hostesses. Someone proudly gave this peroration:

Someone
The Chinese have a lack of creativity. The people have no spirit. It's all but been destroyed by the Communist Party and the Cultural Revolution.

Ferret
Please define what creativity is.

Someone Else
Here comes Ferret playing the devil's advocate again.

Ferret
No, I'd genuinely like to know because as far as I can tell the only thing our "creativity" has given us is more bars and clubs.

And Yet Someone Else
Are you serious? What about democracy and human rights? Individualism?

Ferret
It's unclear if they've been all that productive. I don't want to be entirely skeptical. I'm all for democracy, transparency of government, and individualism, but we, sitting right here, sure as hell don't seem to be taking advantage of it. Being more affluent or having more rights doesn't make you any more interesting or free of a person. In fact, I've met a lot of Chinese people who I think are a lot more authentic than me and a lot of foreigners I know here. Most foreigners I meet in Shanghai are just tourists, whether they are doing business or not. China is not their home, and they have no intention of making it one, lost souls without a purpose, looking to exploit the market, the laborers, the women and yes, all the jiu-ba's.

Somebody
Look, man. We're trying to have a good time. I've been teaching class all day. Let's not get all philosophical here. There's no need.

Somebody Else
Come on, Ferret. Stop trying to be all clever. I can see you posting something like this on your blog, and posting me saying you'd post it.

And Yet Somebody Else
Oh, that's deep shit, going all meta.

Somebody Else
Oh, I know!

Ferret
Of course when I post you saying that you'd say that I'd post it, then where the hell are we?

Somebody Else
So then you're posting that you're saying that you'd post saying that I'd say you'd post this in your blog?

Ferret
I'd say we're at the point of no return.

Somebody
Will you guys please talk about something interesting? You sound like babbling idiots talking about nothing.

Ferret
Drinks?

And Yet Somebody Else
[yelling far too loudly]
服务员!
Waitress!

The Best Use of Technology

I had a dream last night,
About half past three
A goddess spoke:
Sweet Technology.

Her skin was like crystal
In liquid displays,
Fibers for eyes
pulsing cathode rays.

Her lips were both pouted
At binary best
And silicon folds
Arose from her chest.

Her voice started too harsh
All gravel at first,
But smoothed like waters
Intended to burst:

"Darling, will you hold me?
And give me your heart?
I'll give you the keys
To worlds that you'll part.

You'll see into atoms
Make ad-men's lures,
Stealth and wealth weapons,
Lowly cripple's cures.

You'll rise in newfound days,
Learn to beat the sun,
Grow the world white hot,
Cool it down for fun.

And when you're alone and tired,
Visions that you'll see
Will cloud your clocked mind
From mediocrities.

Visions of great houses
And monster truck boobs
Will awe your mind to sleep
With LCD tubes.

So boy give me your answer
I promise you'll have fun
The time to act is now
The race has just begun."

Wanderings Through the Art of Manufacture

Ferret
In terms of refinement, is there a difference between McDonalds and the five star restaurants of the world?

Easy E
What do you mean?

Ferret
I mean, if you think about the absolute amount of capital and investment that a society has placed upon both kinds of food, you probably have about the same kind of quality. Think about it: the amount of research, in chemical engineering, human behavior and psychology, logistics, that goes into the production of a double cheeseburger. It's staggering. Fast food is, in some ways, the epitome of technological progress, as far as food is concerned.

Easy E
It tastes like there are drugs in it, that's for sure.

Ferret
That's because there are drugs in it. But do you see what I'm saying?

Easy E
I don't know. I think it's a different type of refinement. Parallel systems maybe. You can manufacture things in two different ways to produce different outcomes. The resources it takes to produce a $80 steak are pretty hard to develop too. The ingredients have to be imported, and the knowledge it takes to cook it has to be imparted, etc.

Ferret
Yeah, but don't you think that all of that knowledge has remained essentially the same since long ago, before the pre-scientific age? Before it was just a question of what was available. That might have changed a lot. You certainly have more flavors now, but the techniques haven't changed, have they?

Easy E
I don't know about that. You didn't have gas fired stoves before, did you? All you had was an open spit or hot coals or something... Mmm, hot coals.

Ferret
I guess not, maybe you have more tastes to choose from, but there it seems like you are just benefiting from the technology at hand.

Easy E
How is McDonald's any different?

Ferret
You've got me. I guess the only thing I could say is that McDonald's uses the technology to try and create a common standard. The standard hamburger. The standard french fry. McDonald's will try to incorporate technology to produce that standard as efficiently as possible. Fine dining tries to constantly reinvent the steak, or the hamburger for that matter. Technology is employed to try to individuate instead of standardize.

Easy E
Individuated steaks?

Ferret
Individuated steaks.

Easy E
For individuated people.

Ferret
Indeed.

Easy E
So basically, what you are saying is that you've got two competing tastes working in the world. There's the taste that tries to employ technology for standardization, or those that use it for individuation.

Ferret
Yeah, and both appear to be pretty good, and both will kill you. McDonald's hamburgers and slow roasted baby back ribs?

Easy E
I wonder if food tasted different a long time ago.

Ferret
I think it did. I just don't know if it was better. Fine dining was probably different, just as fast food, or street food or whatever it was back then.

Easy E
These McDonald's double cheeseburgers are so damn good.

Ferret
Mmmmph... so good.

[cf. Heidegger's Question Concerning Technology I'm thinking especially of this issue of a "standing ready," or the "framing of Being." Heidegger is especially concerned with this problem. I agree with him to a degree, but I think that it's okay to "frame Being" in some sense. Maybe he would too. It requires more research. Besides, he'd be crazy not to love some McDonald's double-cheeseburgers from time to time.]

* * *

Drugella
[perking up, suddenly carried away by the sound of the words 'cocaine' uttered in jest, her blond hair flailing in a light winter breeze, sucking down on a glass bowl of marijuana]
Oh my god. I need to have some cocaine. That would be so good right now, or maybe some acid! Did you hear that James has acid? Oh my god, that would be so good right now. Oh, I just love drugs so much. You know sometimes weed isn't enough to try and change the situation. Sometimes you have take something like that. Does anyone have any cocaine?

Bu-Ran-Don
[in Chinese]
奴孩子，怎么样？
What do you think of the girl?

Ferret
[responding in Chinese]
这个奴孩子吗？
This girl?

Bu-Ran-Don
对。
Yeah.

Ferret
疯子。
Crazy.

Bu-Ran-Don
我知道。
I know.

Drugella
[She perks up more, and her eyes widen, ravished by the thought of ingesting the objects of her desire, overcoming her interminable ennui]
And there's times when I'm so bored, but then you can always find ways to make it more interesting when you do some drugs. If we had some acid right now then we could fight all of this and run away with the night. It's like floating on a cushion or something. I just miss it all so much. You know? You don't have any drugs, do you?

Ferret
I don't think that anybody has any.

Drugella
I know, but think about a world where you didn't have drugs to create all of these times for you. How could I make things go on? Would there be anything to do? I mean, wow. I'm so bored right now in this superbigawesome house. But could there be a party in my head or something, you know?

Bu-Ran-Don
[in Chinese, again]
你喜欢她吗？
Do you like her?

Ferret
[also in Chinese, again]
不喜欢，我给她时候。
No, not really, but I'd show her a time.

Bu-Ran-Don
真的吗？
Really?

Ferret
真的。我不喜欢她。
No, she's not hot.

Ferret
[unable to find the words, switching back to English]
Manufactured, you know what I mean? Unbelievable. Controlled by them. Boring.

Drugella
What were you talking about?

Bu-Ran-Don
Manufactured goods.

* * *

Crassus Clay
I can't stand it man. All this bullshit. Girls here are acting all like they are stuck up, like they are some how above it man. They know I want to fuck them, and that they want to do it too. When I'm open about it, they all get pissed up. Stuck up girls, man. That's why I like California. You just tell 'em, hey, I like your tits, and they think it's funny, man, like they know what it's about.

Ferret
I think you are missing the point, Crassus.

Crassus Clay
No, I don't think I am. I can't stand all this hypocrisy. I hate all the lying and shit that girls are into here. Why not just tell the truth?

Ferret
Because ultimately women don't want the truth. They want lies. Everybody wants lies. The truth is what you harbor in your soul and you let out when you know that it can be handled. You can't shove the truth in everybody's face because the truth is ugly. It's the ugliest goddamned thing in the world, and people don't want ugliness, believe it or not. Especially as far as girls are concerned.

Crassus Clay
I guess man.

Ferret
Don't get me wrong, I think that it's bullshit that people as a society construct elaborate lies or euphemisms around all kinds of things, but growing up is realizing that these lies are all important. We manufacture these things to make us feel better about all the things that are uncomfortable, or potentially hurtful, or make us feel out of control. Besides there are worse lies than the ones that come with women that I think should be changed. It was a slap in my face when I discovered that first hand. Sometimes the best way to tell somebody you care about them is to lie to them, or to put it diplomatically, to be diplomatic.

Crassus Clay
I've got to get back to California.

Ferret
It'll catch up with you there, man. It catches you everywhere you go.

Crassus Clay
Not yet.

Ferret
Maybe.

* * *

Ferret
But I don't know about kids man.

Easy E
Nor do I, those things are crazy.

Ferret
I mean, there's no way I'm ready man. You produce this thing that wants to take everything from you, suck the soul out of your life. No more partying to three. No more long weekends of peace. You've got dependents, responsibilities. Yet, you love the shit out of 'em.

Easy E
I think it's all about manufacturing an indestructible self, building up your defenses so they can try to tear 'em down, but can't.

Ferret
It's true, you've got to have ramparts.

Easy E
Turrets.

Ferret
Double barreled artillery canons locked, loaded and ready for destruction. Oh, and boiling oil.

Easy E
You've got to be defended. You've got to be secure in yourself.

Ferret
Those little fuckers aren't taking any prisoners. That's why having kids before you are ready is so bad. It doesn't only have the potential to destroy them, but it destroys yourself. Unless you have re-enforcements, grandparents, shit like that.

Easy E
Yeah, but that's like calling on your sworn enemy at the time of your greatest need. Like you finally vanquished them, but now you got to call them back and beg for forgiveness. That sucks, it's like turning over the keys to the castle.

Ferret
You need your own castle.

Easy E
Undoubtedly, with burning oil.

Ferret
Man, families are crazy. Whoever made them should be shot.

Easy E
That's like shooting yourself in the face, or your grandfather's.

Ferret
Are we going to hell?

Easy E
Maybe, but you bet your ass I'm going to love the hell out of my kids, fortified, of course.

Ferret
Of course.