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Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Editorial High Jinks
Roo
No way!
Ferret
What?
Roo
You see this picture in your China book?
Ferret
Yeah.
Roo
It means it sucks.
Ferret
What?
Roo
This word means sucks.
Ferret
No way!
Roo
Serious! If something sucks we say 这个很爛哦！That means it sucks.
Ferret
Weird. Maybe they picked it because it has lots of different strokes in it.
Roo
Maybe they just want to play a joke.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Why I believe in Synchronicity
I was sitting on the metro coming home from an extended tour of a bar in Pudong, when I began thinking about China, and people like Gao Chuancai, a true freedom fighter in the Chinese hinterland who risks his life daily for justice, threatening the livelihood of his entire family in the process. His fearlessness in the face of authority is astounding, and to most Chinese sheer insanity.
A time ago I remember being in Chinese class discussing how Western culture was different than Chinese culture. I remember commenting that Western culture values madness, but due to my limited skills I was unable articulate myself well at the time. Confusing, and possibly insulting my teacher. Even when I switched to English, I still found it hard to explain my intuition. What I think I meant was that I thought the West values the activist as an archetype. Whether you think they are loonies or no, activists are an accepted figure on the fringe of our society. In China, this isn't so. Gao Chuancai is an example of how this is changing.
Just as I was thinking all of this, a fat, slovenly looking man walked into my car on the train and began barking at all the people in Chinese. Most of them looked generally annoyed, and gave him no notice. I couldn't tell what he was saying, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard. He struck me as a bum, asking for money. However, as he began to pass me in the car, he stopped speaking in Chinese and began speaking to me in polished English:
Hello sir! Let me introduce myself. I am the fat man on the metro who speaks out against corruption. [As he said this, and everytime he said he was "the fat man on the metro" he slapped his belly.] I go around on the metro lines telling people to stand with me, and declare they will fight with me to work for a more harmonious and free society. I know that if I stand alone, then they will come for me, and will probably kill me. However, if we stand together, then there is nothing that they can do. Let everyone know about the fat man on the metro and tell them to come and stand with me.
It was at this point that I asked him what his name was. He said simply, "I am the fat man on the metro."
I stood and shook his hand.
At that point, the train stopped, and he quickly moved to another car and began all over again. I sat back down and realized:
I'm not the one he has to convince. Somehow I was already with him before he started talking. But all the Chinese people on the metro around me, were they?
Here's another account of "the fat man on the metro."
Here he is at other moments (in Chinese):
A time ago I remember being in Chinese class discussing how Western culture was different than Chinese culture. I remember commenting that Western culture values madness, but due to my limited skills I was unable articulate myself well at the time. Confusing, and possibly insulting my teacher. Even when I switched to English, I still found it hard to explain my intuition. What I think I meant was that I thought the West values the activist as an archetype. Whether you think they are loonies or no, activists are an accepted figure on the fringe of our society. In China, this isn't so. Gao Chuancai is an example of how this is changing.
Just as I was thinking all of this, a fat, slovenly looking man walked into my car on the train and began barking at all the people in Chinese. Most of them looked generally annoyed, and gave him no notice. I couldn't tell what he was saying, and to be honest, I didn't try very hard. He struck me as a bum, asking for money. However, as he began to pass me in the car, he stopped speaking in Chinese and began speaking to me in polished English:
Hello sir! Let me introduce myself. I am the fat man on the metro who speaks out against corruption. [As he said this, and everytime he said he was "the fat man on the metro" he slapped his belly.] I go around on the metro lines telling people to stand with me, and declare they will fight with me to work for a more harmonious and free society. I know that if I stand alone, then they will come for me, and will probably kill me. However, if we stand together, then there is nothing that they can do. Let everyone know about the fat man on the metro and tell them to come and stand with me.
It was at this point that I asked him what his name was. He said simply, "I am the fat man on the metro."
I stood and shook his hand.
At that point, the train stopped, and he quickly moved to another car and began all over again. I sat back down and realized:
I'm not the one he has to convince. Somehow I was already with him before he started talking. But all the Chinese people on the metro around me, were they?
Here's another account of "the fat man on the metro."
Here he is at other moments (in Chinese):
Sunday, August 31, 2008
A Terrible Mistake
Ferret is assigned the task of calling various Chinese electronics stores. He is not really up to this task. However, he bravely attempts to call and ask the price of a camera (相机, xiàng jī ).
Female Store Clerk
喂。
(Hello.)
Ferret
你好。我找小妓 (xiǎo jī)。
(Hey. I'm looking for prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
什么？!
(What?!)
Ferret
一个小妓。这是国美商店吗？
(A prostitute. Is this Gome (a local electronics store)?)
Female Store Clerk
对呀。你找什么东西啊？
(This is. What are you looking for?)
Ferret
一个小妓。
(A prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
请稍等。
(Please hold on a second.)Female Store Clerk
喂。
(Hello.)
Ferret
你好。我找小妓 (xiǎo jī)。
(Hey. I'm looking for prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
什么？!
(What?!)
Ferret
一个小妓。这是国美商店吗？
(A prostitute. Is this Gome (a local electronics store)?)
Female Store Clerk
对呀。你找什么东西啊？
(This is. What are you looking for?)
Ferret
一个小妓。
(A prostitute.)
Female Store Clerk
请稍等。
There is a great, immediate, yet inaudible commotion on the phone before Ferret can even speak.
Ferret
好的.
(Okay.)
A minute passes. Ferret is frustrated, finding himself unable to express himself. Someone picks up the phone.
Male Store Clerk
喂。(Hello.)
Ferret
喂，你好。我教一个相机。
(Hey there. Hi. I'm looking for a camera.)
Male Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！
(Oh! A camera!)
In the background, the Female Store Clerk can be heard:
Female Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！我觉得他找一个小妓！
(Oh! A camera! I thought he was looking for a prostitute!)
Ferret realizes that he has just called an electronics store and asked if there were hookers. All in day's work...
Male Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！
(Oh! A camera!)
In the background, the Female Store Clerk can be heard:
Female Store Clerk
哦！一个相机！我觉得他找一个小妓！
(Oh! A camera! I thought he was looking for a prostitute!)
Ferret realizes that he has just called an electronics store and asked if there were hookers. All in day's work...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
(Un)Planned Events
Event #1 - 红包 (Hongbao, i.e. a red envelope full of money):
Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.
Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?
Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.
Roo
Wow. It was good?
Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.
[Shows Roo.]
Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?
Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.
Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.
Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.
Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.
Ferret
No way.
Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)
Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.
Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?
Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.
Oldengib
The one you went to last week.
Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.
Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.
Ferret
Do what?
Oldengib
Give you a bribe.
Ferret
Oh.
Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.
Ferret
Oh.
Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)
Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.
The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."
The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.
Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace
Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.
Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.
Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?
Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.
Roo
Wow. It was good?
Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.
[Shows Roo.]
Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?
Ferret
The people at the event. They said they'd pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.
Roo
Ferret, that's like bribe.
Ferret
No way. I didn't promise them anything. They said they'd pay me to come, so I did.
Roo
No, that's how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.
Ferret
No way.
Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)
Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib... No, there's no way I can write about it. I'm sorry.
Oldengib
What's going on? Who keeps calling you?
Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.
Oldengib
The one you went to last week.
Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.
Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn't have done that. That's the sneaky way they do it here.
Ferret
Do what?
Oldengib
Give you a bribe.
Ferret
Oh.
Oldengib
It's all right. You didn't know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don't take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.
Ferret
Oh.
Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)
Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He's not sure it's possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It's been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.
The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn't know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she's got a look on her face that says, "It's time to pay."
The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn't get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.
Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace
Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Snubbing the Chinese Police?
"SECURITY has been tightened further on Metro lines ahead of the Olympic football matches to be held at Shanghai Stadium.
Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.
"Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random," Dai said..."
- "Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics," Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29
Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.
Roo
Really?
Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed "Security Check Here!" I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I've never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn't ruin his day, or piss him off.
Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.
Ferret
Man, I hope not.
Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.
"Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random," Dai said..."
- "Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics," Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29
Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.
Roo
Really?
Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed "Security Check Here!" I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I've never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn't ruin his day, or piss him off.
Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.
Ferret
Man, I hope not.
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